My Brain Must Be Broken

Dear Jim Bob,

             I’m getting worried about my brain Jim Bob.  I don’t think I’m seeing things the way they are really happening.  I say this because when I watch something on TV, like these political debates, I think I see one thing.  Then, when it’s over the news people convince me I did not see what I thought I saw.  This usually happens when I watch NBC, CNN, CBS and ABC.

             How come I don’t see what I think I see Jim Bob?

Wally Woolford

Elwood, Nebraska

Dear Wally,

            To understand this Wally you have to understand that the folks at those TV networks all drink from water coolers that come from the same supplier.  There is something in that water that influences the brains of the news people!  Since you don’t drink from that water cooler Wally you just don’t’ think like they do.

            I’ve learned that the water cooler supplier for all these news networks is located in New York City.  I did a little research on this company and found out where they get their water and how they treat it before it gets bottled and sent out to customers.  It’s pretty interesting.  They get their water from several different wells and then it gets mixed all together when they bottle it.

            One of the main water wells this company uses is in Boston, Massachusetts right underneath Harvard University.  A long time ago this well was pretty clean but has become tainted in the past 75 years or so.   Today, that water has a sour taste to it and most normal people can’t stand to drink it.  It doesn’t seem to bother people in Boston or New York because they really don’t have any pure water to compare it to.  They think that is the way water is supposed to taste and they have gotten used to it. 

            The problem with this water is that it creates side-effects in the people who drink it.  Most of the side-effects involve people’s attitudes and how they look at life.  Here are the most common side-effects:

George W. Bush hatred, Jesus Phobia, Obama worship, Suppression of positive news about America, Unnatural affection for high taxes, and Political Double-Standard Syndrome (PDSS)*.

So Wally you can see the entire problem is the water these folks drink.  They can’t help it.  By the way, the name of the water company is “The New York Times Water Supply Corporation.”

 *PDSS:  Political Double-Standard Syndrome is a viral condition common to employees of major media outlets.  The condition is highly contagious and is characterized by extreme conditions of denial regarding objectivity, truth and news interpretation.  The only cure for PDSS is prolonged exposure to real working conditions experienced by average Americans who actually pay taxes.